Skinny Black

Stuck-up MC from Hustle and Flow, played by Ludacris, who Djay has a wee altercation with. 

Jebus

According to Urban Dictionary, Jebus is what Homer Simpson called Jesus once.  Dress your own Jebus here.

Mars Blackmon

Scrappy Knicks fan b-boy played by Spike Lee.  Best remembered for those wonderful Nike Air Jordan commercials.  “Do you know do you know do you know?”

Gavroche

Young street urchin from Hugo’s Les Miserables.  He’s the heart of the novel.  At some point the narrator explains one of Gavroche’s statements by saying “Gavroche was a thinker, you see.”  It doesn’t sound like much here, but 800 pages into the novel you’re rooting for the kid and you love it when he shows back up.     

Mr. Toast

I am pushing it here with Mr. Toast, but for our purposes let’s assume he is a bipedal mammal with a toast-shaped full body deformity.  And the Mr. Toast dolls looks great in the wild.

Chocolate Mousse

Gasoline-swilling member of the resistance in the 80s movie Top Secret!  I think he also ate something at some point – ate someone’s gun or a twig, something crunchy.  A guy named Eddie Tagoe played Chocolate Mousse; Tagoe apparently was also in Pink Floyd The Wall?!  I so wish he would have been Chocolate Mousse in The Wall. 

Danny the 1st main character in The Keep

Danny is the initial main character in Jennifer Egan’s novel The Keep.  He is a 30something lifer restaurant employee from NY who still has a favorite pair of boots and wears mascara.  His story in The Keep is great; unfortunately it’s the one that gets the axe when Egan gets precious with the plot.  I’m bummed to say The Keep is tops on my list for turd book ending for 07’s reading to date.  Danny’s the man though.

Tim the understudy and stagehand from Noises Off

Tim is Lloyd the director’s right hand man in Frayn’s play Noises Off.  He doubles as Philip and the Burglar.  I got Noises Off for Christmas and read it last weekend, and it is the funniest play I’ve read since Tartuffe a buhjillion years ago.  According to the foreword and book cover, TR Knight played Tim around 2001.  

Franklin Hardesty

Franklin is the whiny wheelchair-bound kid from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  He A) enjoys talking about slaughterhouses B) gets his arm hacked on by the hitchhiker guy C) overacts his way into a classic cinema moment when he loses it and sticks his tongue out at the ceiling, fake laughing and blowing raspberries up at his sister and friends.  I have No. Clue. why they took Franklin in the first place. 

Susan Blue and Nikki Grace

The characters played by Laura Dern in Inland Empire, David Lynch’s new movie — which made me so paranoid I was scared my house would crack and lose a wall.  Much love to Laura Dern, especially in the scene on the street when the women are talking about Pomona.  I saw it Saturday and it made me assess myself and my skin crawled, but I’d go see it again tonight.

Super Dave Osbourne

A horrible stuntman character played by Bob Einstein.  Super Dave was like a wack Evel Knievel.  His stunts seldom if ever succeeded.  I remember seeing him on Bizarre when I was a kid in the early 80s.  I also remember that Bizarre showed boobies, which was the bomb. 

Pozdnyshev

Pozdnyshev is a character in Leo Tolstoy’s The Kreutzer Sonata.  Pozdnyshev tells the narrator the story of his life and marriage, which is about as toxic and envious as Andrea Yates and Iago singing You Oughta Know.  Pozdnyshev is allegedly Tolstoy’s mouthpiece for his own feelings about marriage and sex, which he calls the piglike behavior.  Download for free here.